This will absolutely be my most controversial, divisive, provocative post to date.  I anticipate a mad rush of comments, far outstripping all my previous posts.  You know, like five. 

It’s not about food.  It’s about . . .

Mommyhood.

(aaaand *poof* I just lost half of you . . . )

Specifically, it is about all the things that Mommies are not supposed to say about Mommyhood.  Get ready, I’m about to get all kinds of honest up in here.

I am a Reluctant Mom.  My husband and I waited ten years (till the ancient part of our thirties, in fact) to have a kid – in part because we weren’t sure we wanted kids, and in part because even if we did want kids (okay, we did) we weren’t sure we were ready.  Specifically, I wasn’t sure I was ready to sacrifice my body by gaining all that weight, which I was sure would never ever come off.  (Shallow Revelation #1, stick around for more).  Like many women I’ve battled both my body and my body image all my life, and the idea of *on purpose* gaining what I assumed would be 50 pounds, and then forever after having that flat-butt, fleshy-middle-mom look (bring it on haters, you know it’s true!) – well, that pretty much terrified me.  And don’t even get me started on the idea of giving up alcohol (gasp, Shallow Revelation #2) for basically a year.  OHHH.EMMM.GEEE.

On top of that, I’ve never been great with kids.  I like kids, I really do!  But I’m something of an introvert, a bit socially awkward even with my adult friends, and that just don’t play with the wee ones.   I’m not good at silly voices, or funny faces, or even animal sounds.  I don’t really care for playing pretend, or dress up, or tag or hide and seek.  My voice is not made for sing alongs.   My friend’s kids would look at me as if to say “what am I supposed to do with this?” – similar to the reaction they might give a box of socks on Christmas morning.  And I didn’t blame them one bit!

I got over the mental blocks about weight gain and giving up alchohol.  I made it through pregnancy (ugh) and birth (holy crap, people!) and came out the other side.  And then I discovered that sleep deprivation bites harder than anything has ever bitten in my entire life, and breastfeeding was difficult, frustrating, uncomfortable, time consuming, and by the time I got to Month 3, made me feel so trapped that I literally wanted to remove my breasts from my body and leave them with the baby permanently.

And then I had to give up my chocolate business – in a way, my identity - and face a whole new reality:  Stay At Home Mommyhood.

In the 36 years of my life prior to deciding to have a baby, in all the time spent coloring in that outline of Who I Am, never, ever did I ponder sketching in some SAHM time.  Ever.  Until I had a baby.  And priced out full time childcare.  *choke*

So here I am in Portland, Oregon, the Capital City of All Things Green and P.C., a new, reluctant stay at home baby momma who grits her teeth through breastfeeding, gives her baby a pacifier and a bottle, doesn’t co-sleep or ”attachment parent”, and ohmygawd uses disposable diapers.  If there were a mom’s group in town that I would fit into, we would probably have to meet in secrecy in the dead of night to discuss our horribly incorrect and destructive ways.  Perhaps our secret password would be “pampers”.  Or “binky”.  We would whisper about how we wished we worked in cubicles in office buildings during the day, idly reading magazines and drinking coffee on our breaks, taking a leisurely pee in the bathroom without a screaming child in the other room (or more likely, right there in the bathroom), and talking in normal grown up voices about intelligent and interesting topics.  Yes, those are the things I yearn for.  I long to be selfish, to do nothing but think of myself for entire blocks of time.  Or better yet, not think at all.

But hold on there – before y’all get those pitchforks and burning torchs out and aim them at me – let me point out the Hyde in my Jekyll.  It’s not all sour around here, there’s plenty of sweet as well.  The sweet is just this simple:  I love my baby. I can’t stop kissing her.  Her smile never fails to light up my world, even at three in the morning.  And while I may not be good at singing songs or playing games, I’m great at nurturing.  I’m more patient than I ever thought I could be.  I yearn for her happiness just enough more than I yearn for my own . . . and I recognize that the two are intertwined.  And the sweetest part of all is that I’m smart.  That is, I’m smart enough to have married a guy who is amazing at singing silly songs, and making animal noises, and playing pretend and hide and seek and tag.  I married the Baby Whisperer.  So I’ll give this Mommyhood thing the best I’ve got.  And I’ll know that even if my best is barely good enough . . . well, at least she’s got her Daddy.

One year ago on C&T: Chocolate Crinkle Cookies and Cheddar Bay Biscuits

Two years ago on C&T: Grecian Baked Shrimp

You’d think that after dishing out only 21 new posts this year, there would be little to put in a year end round up.  Ohhhh, but you would be wrong.  I find that you, my friends, can be far more interesting than me.  The 38,139 of you who have stopped by this place in the last two and a half years.  The 50 or so of you who still stop by every day, even without a new post to lure you in.  What brings you here?

Very. Interesting. Things.

Keywords, people.  Those words you punch into a search engine when you want to find something.  Words like . . .

*real sick*

*cool cookie*

*fake water spring*

*sorry pictures in babies*

*inside my body*

*wood mold powder*

Really?  Wood mold powder?  And please, does this seem like the kind of place where I talk about internal organs? Read my lips, I will post no sorry pictures of babies here.

To be fair, not all of your searches are quite so odd.  Some of you are simply looking for *pictures of dogs napping*.  And the ladies inquiring about *pregnant eat at red lobster*, and *can I eat chocolate pastry when I’m pregnant* . . . I feel you.  I do.

There are plenty of actual food related search terms, although many of them often lead me to wonder exactly what you were really thinking . . .

*clay model of chocolate*

*cupcake 37*

*who toast the chocolate*

*busted can of biscuits*

*ice cream sugar*

*chocolate and alcohol*

*pesto animal*

*banana boat we’ve got you covered*

*marshmallow peeps burn*

*chocolate pork taco*

But there is one in particular from this year that I must address directly.  To the nameless, faceless soul out there who came to this blog with the simple phrase *is chocolate good on toast* – I assure you, yes, yes it is.

Best wishes for a feast-filled 2012!

Other noteworthy tidbits:

Top post this year: Mint Infused Simple Syrup.

Top search, all time: ribbon cookies.  Third highest?  Buffalo.

Total comments, all time: 248. (from 38,139 visitors.  you people are the strong, silent type!)

One year ago on C&T: Caramel Cheesecake Pastries (yum!)

Two years ago on C&T: Ham and Gruyere Bread Pudding

I have never been an “it” girl. If you asked anyone to describe me, the word “fashionable” would never occur to them. Hip? Trendy? Edgey? No, no, and golly no. I blame it on my Idaho upbringing-you know, back in the days before the internets and cell phones and such, when po-dunk places like my hometown didn’t catch fashion trends until they were a couple years out of date in the Big City.  Which I discovered when I moved to San Jose, California, for my 6th grade year. Oh, the humiliation of big bangs, when big bangs were so two years ago.  That’s me, forever a couple years behind.

And so I bring you the Compost Cookie, birthed by Christina Tosi of Momofuku Milk Bar fame.  Yes, this cookie was *everywhere* a couple years ago.  Which is why I bring it to you now.

Perhaps soon I will make something with bacon.  Or browned butter.  Don’t rush me.

Chocolate Compost Cookies (adapted from Cookie Madness)

Never heard of a compost cookie?  I’m not sure I believe you.  But if you really haven’t, then get ready, because these babies will rock your world.  They are a beast of a cookie, as big as your palm, extra thick, crisp at the edges and moist in the middle, and chock full of unexpected sweet and salty bits.  The original version has a base similar to a chocolate chip cookie; my version turns that base into deep dark chocolate.  This recipe is based on the adapted version developed by Cookie Madness (recipe and post here) - she tweaked the Momofuku recipe to get it to work better for home bakers, and cut it in half to make it a manageable size (about six *big* cookies).  I’m repeating her techniques here, but make sure to click through for her version which includes lots of helpful notes – and also to peruse her archive of recipes, she’s got it all! My only change was to make a chocolate base for the cookie.  Because who doesn’t like MORE chocolate?

• 4 oz cold unsalted butter, chopped up
• 1/2 cup granulated sugar
• 1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons light brown sugar, packed
• 1/2 tablespoon corn syrup
• 1 tsp vanilla
• 1 large egg
• 1 cup flour (fluff up flour in bin, scoop, then sweep top flat – or scale out 4 ounces)
• 2 Tbsp dutch process cocoa powder
• 1 tsp baking powder
•  1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 3/4 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips, or a mix of sweet stuff (I used dried sweet cherries, mini m&ms, cocoa nibs and chopped mini malt balls)
• 3/4 cup (more or less) salty stuff (I used bugles, pretzel sticks, and peanuts)

Cream butter, both sugars, and corn syrup in the bowl of a stand mixer using a paddle blade, about 2-3 minutes.  Add eggs and vanilla, mix well.  Increase mixer speed to medium-high and allow to mix for 10 full minutes.  DON’T SKIP THIS STEP.  The mixture will almost double in volume and will become very pale in color.

In a separate bowl stir together flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  After the 10 minutes of mixing have passed, reduce mixer speed to the lowest setting and stir in the flour mixture, just until incorporated.  Do not overbeat.  Stir in your sweet and salty things.

Scoop dough using a heaping 1/3 cup measure.  You should get about 6 hefty cookies.  Place your dough mounds on a plate, cover with plastic wrap and chill at least a couple hours before baking.  If you skip this step, your cookies will spread *everywhere*.

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees (350 for convection).  Place your chilled dough on a parchment or silpat lined baking sheet.  If your baking sheet is not insulated, stack two sheets together.  Bake 12 to 14 minutes – and not a minute longer!  Cool cookies completely on the sheet pan.  Store in an airtight container.  Best when eaten within a day or two.

Woot!  I managed to make a tiny dent in my freezer banana stash!  And by tiny, I mean *tiny*.  As in, three bananas down, out of twent- two total.  Twenty-two bananas, that’s just ridiculous.  And the only way to keep that pile from growing is to do all the grocery shopping myself.  If the hubster does it, he buys another 8 bananas.  Every single week.

I guess it could be worse.

Anyway, this may be the shortest post ever, but at least it is a post – progress!  I’m hoping to get back to posting a bit more after the first of the year.  I’ve got some good stuff stored up – like a chocolate version of the Momofuku Compost Cookie (oh, yeah, baby!) – just need the baby-free time to tap away at this here computer keyboard.  So, in short:  I’ll be back.  Or, as Arnold said it:  Ah’ll be bahhk.  In the meantime, please send me your favorite banana recipes.  I need them.  I really, really need them.

Carmelized Banana Cake with Bourbon and Pecans

This is a delightfully light and tasty cake.  The bourbon is optional, but I think it adds a nice depth of flavor – nothing boozy, don’t worry about that.  The pecans are highly recommended, as they add not only flavor but also the perfect crunchy texture.  The banana flavor of the cake is even better the second day, as is the case with most fruit (and/or vegetable) based cakes.  Feel free to follow my supremely lazy example of frosting only between the layers and the top – just call it *rustic*.

Carmelized Bourbon Bananas:
2 tbsp butter
3 Tbsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp bourbon (optional)
3 very ripe bananas, sliced

Melt butter with brown sugar in medium skillet over medium high heat, add bourbon if desired and stir to combine. Add bananas and cook until bubbly (about 5 minutes) stirring occasionally. Reduce heat to medium low and cook until sauce thickens and bananas are browned, about another 8 minutes. Set aside to cool slightly.

Cake Batter:
1 stick butter, softened
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 eggs
1/2 tsp vanilla
2 cups flour
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup buttermilk
Carmelized banana mixture

Cream butter and both sugars until light and fluffy. Add eggs and vanilla and mix well. In a separate bowl, stir together dry ingredients. Add about a third of the dry ingredients to the mixing bowl and stir to combine. Add half of the buttermilk and stir again. Repeat until all dry ingredients and buttermilk are incorporated. Fold in the banana mixture.

Pour batter into a greased 9″ pan and bake at 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes, or until toothpick inserted in cake comes out with just a few moist crumbs attached. Cool, remove from pan and split horizontally into two layers. Frost with cream cheese frosting, top with chopped toasted pecans if desired.

I’ve already made a double batch of Sugar Plum’s uber excellent Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Banana Bread – which I baked in mini loaves, perfectly handy and snack sized (and now back in my freezer!).  I also made a delicious Carmelized Banana Cake with Whipped Cream Cheese Frosting – recipe to be posted someday soonish, I hope.

Now what??  I’m in serious need of overripe frozen banana recipes.  The kind that can be knocked out in the space of a 30 minute baby nap, preferably!  Anyone . . . ?  Bueller . . . ?

I should not be allowed to go into Walgreens.  Fact.  Particularly when I have a baby sleeping (finally!) peacefully in the stroller, and absolutely nowhere I have to be any time soon.  Recipe for disaster.  It’s like strolling right back into my early teenage years . . . right up to and including the bad soft rock music playing on the store’s sound system.  I can sing along with “Rocket Man”, oh yes oh yes I can.  And “Dream Weaver”, and ”Wildfire” and “Killing Me Softly.”  All that nostalgia almost makes me want to shop for fake nails and a hair highlighting kit.  Almost.

I should probably not admit these things.

I haven’t had a lot of time for summer break nostalgia, between the new baby and, well, the COMPLETE LACK of summer weather here in the Pacific Northwest.  I know the rest of the country is suffering from heat waves and hurricanes and all kinds of craziness – but for us it has mostly been a summer of blah with a capital B.  We did just have a lovely two week run of 80-ish temps and sunshiney days . . . but then woke up this morning to 60 degrees, gray, and rain.  RAIN, people.

So I’m posting this icebox pie that I made a month ago, when it was similarly icky weather and I was pretending it might someday be summer.  Now I’m hoping it might someday be summerlike again.  Someday.

One year ago on C&T:  Herbed Sourdough Rolls

Two years ago on C&T: (lots of great stuff!) Pesto Topped Tomatoes, Leek and Mushroom Tart, Wilted Spinach Salad with Roasted Garbanzos and Tomatoes, Gazpacho the Lazy Way, and Cherry Tomato and Tomatillo Salsa.  Apparently 2009 was a great year for tomatoes!

Lemon Lime Icebox Pie

This is the perfect mom’s “shortcut” pie – you can use store-bought crust, frozen yogurt (or ice cream), and whipped cream.  There is no rocket science involved.  Which is good, because anyone who has ever been pregnant or taking care of an infant knows that rocket science is not going to happen when Pregnancy Brain (or Baby Brain) is involved.  For those of you not suffering similarly, please feel free to make your own buttery yummy graham crust, frozen yogurt, and fresh whipped cream.  And then stand back and let me at it, because I will eat that whole pie.  Yes, oh yes, I will.

• one 9 inch graham cracker pie crust, store bought or freshly made
• vanilla frozen yogurt (C&T recipe) or ice cream, store bought or freshly churned
• one lemon
• one lime
• whipped cream, spray can or freshly whipped

If making your own fro-yo, add the juice and zest of the lemon and lime before churning.  If using store bought yogurt or ice cream, soften slightly and mix in the juice and zest.  Smooth freshly churned or still soft fro-yo into the prepared crust in an even layer and freeze until firm, at least one hour.  To serve, slice into pieces and top each serving with whipped cream.  Or simply dig in with a large spoon and spray whipped cream into your mouth with each bite.  Not that I condone that or anything.

Chloe Elizabeth

Phew, what a ride.  Two months and counting!

I’ve been posting pictures and a few stories on my baby blog (link in sidebar, below) – but I should be back to posting a few recipes here before too long.  How about Carmelized Banana Cake with Bourbon and Pecans? Lemon Lime Icebox Pie?  Uh huh.  Send Chloe some good “long nap” vibes, and we’ll get something posted soon!

One year ago on C&T: Chocolate Cookie Cupcakes and Sour Cream Blueberry Scones

Other good stuff from the archives:

PBJ&O Bars

Brown Sugar Cookie Crumble Ice Cream

Wonton Fruit Cups

Easy Berry Crisp

Hand Pies

Chloe Elizabeth, June 6, 2011

When I was in high school – specifically, the summer between my sophomore and junior years – I decided I needed a makeover. I have no idea what inspired this thought . . . maybe I was bored, maybe I was feeling a little down on myself, maybe just looking for a change. But I got the idea in my brain, and decided it must be done. At the time, I was spending the summer with my dad and stepmom in Seattle, away from my hometown and friends back in Boise, Idaho. Since I was in The Big City, I figured my makeover would be all the more dramatic. Since I had my driver’s license (and, gasp, my parents allowed me to drive one of their cars! in the city!), I decided my makeover had to be done at the nicest place I could imagine – the big, beautiful mall in Bellevue, all the way across Lake Washington (by freeway!) from where we lived.

So I booked an appointment at an upscale salon, and off I went. And a couple hours later

there I was, all “made over”. I looked good, I’m sure. I’m half tempted to dig out a picture to see . . . but then again it was the late 80′s and really, did any of us look that good? At any rate, what I remember most was the feeling in my stomach. Sort of . . . empty. Not unhappy. Surprised, maybe. Because suddenly I had realized that my Grand Makeover was really just a hair cut and some makeup. I was still the same person on the inside. My life was still the same on the outside. Nothing had actually changed.  Luckily, I was okay with that.

The funny part about the makeover is that I was never a girly-girl. I didn’t pay all that much attention to fashion or makeup, and in fact by the time I started college I gave up makeup all together and didn’t own a pair of heels for approximately 12 years (I only own one pair now, and have worn them exactly once). The makeover idea was really born out of what I call my “middle of the road” intentions – the vague idea that I should be paying attention to things like my appearance and clothes, because that’s what other girls did.

It took me a long time to understand that I just march to my own tune, and that tune rarely seems to fall in the middle of the road compared to my peer group. It’s not out of any desire to be different – I’m certainly not extreme in my different-ness. It’s just how my brain is wired. I was the girl who wore the business suit, more appropriate for a 30 year old, to my high school graduation. I was the 28 year old bride who wore a black velvet dress to get married in. Because it was December – cold, and a weird time to wear white – and because that was the dress that I thought looked good on me. Of course, the wedding ceremony also happened in a juvenile justice center courtroom under very harsh fluorescent lights, and lasted exactly 4 minutes – but that is another story.

That different wiring also applies to my maternal instincts. I wasn’t sure I had any, to be honest. I didn’t play with dolls that much as a child – the thing I loved about my dollhouse was making miniature furniture for it. I’m not sure I ever had dolls for it. I wasn’t the teenager who wanted to “play house” with my boyfriends, or who dreamed of being a mommy someday. Even in my 20′s, and then married and in my early 30′s, I didn’t hear any clocks ticking in my womb.

I wasn’t ever opposed to kids. I just never longed for them.

But now everything has changed.  After 10 years together, my husband and I decided we didn’t want to miss out on the ultimate adventure- parenting.  And now, in the blink of an eye I’m a Mom. And this really is the ultimate makeover. I’ve changed on the outside, of course (hello flabby belly!) - but those changes are just a tiny piece of the whole pie. Everything is changing. And everything will keep changing. My relationship with my husband, with my family. What I’m doing with my life, on a grand scale and on a tiny day to day scale. I have no idea where it will all end up, but I’m excited to find out. It’s going to be a whole new me.

So I just wanted to tell you that I’ll be disappearing for a bit – into my “makeover space” – unplugging from the digital world for a while. Breathing it all in and finding my new rhythm. Finding out who this whole new me is. And getting to know the new little person responsible for the change. I’m pretty sure she’s amazing.

I’ll be back . . . .

One year ago on C&T: Graham Cracker Sandwiches and Triple Chocolate Cookie Brittle

Two years ago on C&T: Beer Can Chicken

Toast + PB + Marshmallows + Chocolate = Heaven.

You say brilliant.  I say breakfast!

One year ago on C&T: Pineapple Upside Down Carrot Cupcakes and Polenta with Sausage and Mozzarella

Two years ago on C&T:  Granola and Southwestern Corn and Black Bean Salad

S'more Before; S'more After

What to do with leftover marshmallow peeps?  S’more them!  The peep above is a homemade marshmallow version, but the store bought ones work just fine, too.  I used a jumbo peanut butter cookie for my base – since I had a batch just out of the oven – but you can use anything you have on hand, cookie, graham cracker, etc.  Top with chocolate (mine was ganache from a batch of truffles, but a piece of chocolate bar works better).  Then top with your choice of marshmallow peep creature.  Place under your broiler AND DO NOT WALK AWAY.  It should only take a couple of minutes to melt the chocolate, goo-ify the marshmallow, and caramelize everything nicely.  I’m a burnt marshmallow smore type of girl, which is good because I did take one small step away from my oven and sure enough, my peep went from golden brown to smoky black in that instant.  But still, so very tasty!